30 April 2010
Signs: In the heavens above? Maybe. Definitely on the earth below.
My current situation is such that I find great meaning in every little morsel of media put in front of me. Not, mind you, because I have great wisdom and am able to understand all mystery, but because my life partner and I cut it short, flaming out spectacularly, and I am knee deep in the shit of grief. In odd and random moments I am struck, hard, by what a book or a movie, even an advertisement, seems to be saying just to me. Tonight it was the achingly beautiful film An Education. The sweet, wise 16-year-old heroine, by the end of the movie having received her education (I'm being so careful not to be a spoiler), knows exactly, finally, really, what is important in life. She even went through a little bit of hell to get there. My hell seems deeper (naturally), and the wounds are still so very raw, but I have these moments, these little morsels of grace, when I know that I'm going to come out the other end, when life is going to be full and rich and happy. It is already, in so many ways, and I have so much (and don't we all, really). The ugly, painful moments? They take up so much space sometimes that they obsure the rest, and we push and pull and tug at them to no avail. I don't know how it is for you, but for me the only way to make them pass is to let them pass, to stand still or stand back and let them have their moment. Usually they get bored and move on. Sometimes they're nudged away—by a song, or a kind word, a phone call or text from a friend, a beautiful passage in the novel on my bedside—or tonight, by the half-grin of a schoolgirl who realizes that life isn't over after all. I'm glad for those moments, however they come to me. A few signs to light my way right now seem just fine.
Posted by Scott Rohr